he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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