I accidentally had phone sex last night
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
