me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
