she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize