I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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