she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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