I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
