How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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