ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I am never drinking with the goths again.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize