the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
