Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
