I need help removing her.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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