why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
