How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
