i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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