The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize