perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Randomize
