Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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