Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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