there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
