The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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