That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
