on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize