just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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