the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
