I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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