Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
