After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
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