The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
im about as happy as oj after his trial
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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