I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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