im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
