Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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