his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
