Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I'm always down for nudity.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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