she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
