mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
