Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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