I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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