He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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