so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Randomize
