i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize