1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
my being single is dangerous.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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