yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Randomize
