She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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