so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
