It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
