Someone shit on the floor
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Randomize
