I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
