he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize