I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
this hospital has no fireball
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
