So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
