I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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