party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
