Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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