Where did you get a picture of my penis
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
