dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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