Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
