Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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