when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
