can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
