And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
