I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
