You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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