I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
