I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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